America is thirsty, and I’m not talking about sugar-free carbonated soft drinks. We live in a fluff-free era—people know what they want and aren’t afraid to express their opinion in ALL CAPS, followed by a series of passive-aggressive emojis. Dating is the same—we’ve reached critical mass, and that critical mass is critical on getting their mass touched. Gross. Anyway, with the act of dating living solely on a mobile platform, the dating app reigns supreme.
But which apps reign most supreme? Good question. In hopes of answering your burning questions, here are 13 dating apps ranked (lovingly and subjectively) on how likely you are to end up takin’ old one-eye to the optometrist. Hey, gotta quench that thirst somehow—what’s that famous Mother Teresa quote? Oh yes: “Get it girl, get it get it get it, girl.”
Hey, you’ve heard of Twine—right? Oh, no? It’s a good idea in theory…in theory. A dating app that allows people to meet based on their intellectual capacities rather than their looks! Amazing! But, you know what happens when two smart people meet? They engage in hot, sweaty, intellectual conversations about Proust. Do you know where Marcel friggin’ Proust is not situated? Between the sweaty, writhing bodies of two Proust fans.
Some people stick to their guns when they say they don’t care about looks—and bless their hearts. Unfortunately, we’re literally engineered to gravitate towards attractive individuals who smell like redwood trees and caramel. If a phone sex hotline and Tinder drank and had a baby, it would come out as Revealr. You can talk to a person, but can’t see what they look like. Even if you have a great conversation with a person, you’re not going to want to bone them if they look like Rex from Toy Story. The likelihood of getting out of your house and into a restaurant is high, but—face it—this isn’t You’ve Got Mail. You’re not going to find your Tom Hanks with this app.
Blendr is so, so close to getting it right—the one thing they didn’t anticipate: charging money kills erections faster than, I dunno, bees? The sole review on the app’s page summarizes it nicely: “You buy points to promote yourself, and to view/ message other ppl, and to see who liked you. Don’t waste your money like I did. $15 down the drain.”
10. Plenty of Fish
The transition from desktop to mobile for websites is a bit like the great change from silent films to talkies during the late 1920s. Some film stars made it and some didn’t—take Buster Keaton, for example, he tried singing. Didn’t work. Yada yada yada, now he’s dead. Unfortunately, POF seems to be succumbing to the same fate. People want sex and they want it now—from the moment the app is downloaded to the moment of the actual date, the number of steps is, frankly, too high. You have to sign up, write a profile, sift through other profiles—the average millennial’s attention span is about the size of the period at the…
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