In the age of coronavirus, masturbating is akin to a public service: You stay inside, get all the health benefits of an orgasm, and stave off the urge to break social distancing for some lovin’.
That’s why the recent spike in sex toy sales as COVID-19, the diseased caused by the coronavirus, spreads is something to celebrate. In the now-iconic words of the New York Health Department, during the pandemic, “you are your safest sex partner.” Couples who suddenly find themselves being long-distance while quarantining in separate homes are turning to pricey high-tech, internet-enabled sex toys that claim to keep you connected while apart, according to reports of booming sales from Rolling Stone and Ask Men.
But they’re in for an unpleasant surprise.
Now is the worst time to waste your money on internet-connected sex toys. In our exhaustive testing of some of the most popular high-tech toys, we found that most touting features like Bluetooth connectivity, WiFi-enabled remote play, app features, and interactive long-distance toys that sync with your partner were barely functional even before the pandemic. Now, with internet speeds in cities across America and Europe declining, they are likely more unusable than ever.
So horny, well-meaning social-distancers are now spending between $150 to $400 for internet-connected features made moot by the very thing they sought to circumvent (coronavirus). And in this economy, no one has the cash to waste on a useless, non-refundable smart dildo.
Luckily there are far more affordable, albeit analog, ways to bring innovation into your love life, whether you’re flying solo or with a long-distance partner. You just might have to get a bit more creative.
Why smart sex toys won’t work right now
There’s a multitude of ways and reasons behind the failures of the tech in the smart sex toy space. But the biggest culprit is particularly exacerbated by the ripple effect of coronavirus: bad Bluetooth connection. You see, many smart sex toys claim that by connecting to Bluetooth, you can do everything from let your partner control your toy remotely or sync it up to their smart toy so the two respond to each other’s movements.
No one has the cash to waste on a useless, non-refundable smart dildo.
That sounds awesome! Or it would be, if it weren’t for the fundamental problem that no one’s figured out how to make Bluetooth compatible with the human body, since water repels Bluetooth signals and our bodies consist of up to 60 percent water.
That means most internal toys (which many of the most popular high-tech toys are) inevitably and repeatedly lose connection when used as instructed. The more turned on you get (meaning, well, wet), the worse that connection becomes. That’s not to mention that closing your legs or wearing any clothing can cause even more interference. So your best bet for a spotty connection during your virtual quarantine sex is to remain bare-ass naked…
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